


I Don't Need Healing Because I'm Not Broken

by leehoseucc



Category: GOT7, Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Aromantic, M/M, Panic Attacks, This is me projecting tbh, lots of got7 bickering, mainly mx even though everything for got7 is tagged, sorry about that, texts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2019-09-23 20:06:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17086880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leehoseucc/pseuds/leehoseucc
Summary: He cries it out, sobs and pleas directed to no one but himself filling the space for what seems like forever, time not making any impact on him as his anxieties from the past months spill over, like a soda opened after being shaken up. Everything he kept in and never said aloud bringing him a kind of pain no one should have to feel, but he didn’t know any better.





	1. 4 AM Breakdowns and Supportive Friends

**Author's Note:**

> It's a short first chapter, but it sets up a lot in my opinion, so I hope it's okay

Changkyun knew something had been wrong for hours as he laid in bed, he never stayed up past 10 PM, but he couldn’t tell what it was until nearly 4 AM, and couldn’t even put a name to it in the moment, when he finally felt the familiar feeling of anxiety bubble in his chest, but on a scale that was far from the normal day to day struggle.

He realized too late how much he had been overthinking once again, something he does too often, but this time about his future, something he had always pushed to the back of his mind to be dealt with a different day and now it’s coming to the surface. Everything from being worried about losing his scholarship and not being able to graduate to how he couldn’t fit his boyfriend into his life 5 years down the road, which terrified him. If he can’t see himself with the man he claims to love so dearly, what does that mean? What does that make him? Is that a bad thing? Can he tell someone without being looked down on? It came crashing down on him so fast, yet it had taken hours and he didn’t know what to do, this was new to him.

He cries it out, sobs and pleas directed to no one but himself filling the space for what seems like forever, time not making any impact on him as his anxieties from the past months spill over, like a soda opened after being shaken up. Everything he kept in and never said aloud bringing him a kind of pain no one should have to feel, but he didn’t know any better.

Eventually his breathing evens out and the cries turn to soft sniffles, but it feels like someone drove a nail through his skull, so he downs some painkillers he finds in the bathroom medicine cabinet before crawling into Jooheon’s bed and passing out, the warmth and weight of the comforter bringing him a peacefulness he really needed.

In the morning he’s greeted with the faint smell of food cooking, something that had always been a rarity in the apartment he shared, since neither resident could cook well, but it draws him out of bed and down the hall to where Jooheon is standing beside Kihyun, the former playing on his phone and the latter with a spatula in hand.

Changkyun stops and tries to rub the sleep from his eyes before yawning. “What’re you doing here Kihyun hyung?”

The shorter boy turns and smiles with a nonchalant shrug. “Honey said it was a code yellow, not much else, but I decided I wanted to cook anyways. Hyungwon had to leave for classes and it was a good reason to get out.” Changkyun nods and looks to Jooheon, who was boring a hole into him with his calculating gaze, but he breaks into a smile a moment later.

“I figured something happened and you needed to be babied as soon as you woke up and Kihyunnie hyung was pretty willing.” Changkyun averts his eyes, feeling guilty for worrying the two, but he’s hit upside the head and forced to look at Kihyun again.

“I already know what you’re thinking and you better not start feeling bad for it.” He humphs and turns back to the stove to plate the food. Changkyun smiles secretly and decides maybe he shouldn’t worry about it too much. It wasn’t like Kihyun didn’t baby them constantly anyways.

They chat as they eat, no one wanting to bring up what happened, because no one but Changkyun knew and the other two just didn’t want to approach it wrong. After the conversation starts dying a little, Changkyun decides they should know so that they don’t have to tiptoe and pretend something didn’t happen at all.

“I can tell you’re squirming in your seats to know, but it wasn’t that big of a deal really. I couldn’t sleep last night and ended up breaking down I guess. I didn’t want to be alone after that, so I made my way to Jooheon hyung’s instead. Stop stressing over it please.”

They look stunned, but both dissolve into looks of thoughtfulness for a moment until Jooheon speaks up, tone and expression both soft. “I’m guessing this happened because you pushed off feeling emotions and letting yourself think about some things, so I’m only going to say this: You’re allowed to feel Changkyunnie, you have us and a bunch of other people you can talk to if you need emotional support or even just someone to rant to.” 

Kihyun nods and jumps in, “You do that for us all the time and it’s what friends are there for. Sure, we’re great for going out with and fooling around in our teen years, but everyone has demons, don’t try to hide yours.” Changkyun blinks, bewildered. He had expected them to nod, ask what made him so distraught, but not this. He was grateful though and told them as much after being forced up from his seat and having the life squeezed out of him in hugs.

After that, they go about their days, Kihyun going home to greet a probably sleepy Hyungwon and Jooheon making his way to his 11 AM class. Changkyun had some free time until his first class later in the day, so he decided to grab some coffee at the small cafe down the street and get some studying done. He already felt better and pushed the anxiety attack to the back of his mind, texting his boyfriend as he pulled clothes on.

Hey, I’m free most of the day, you want to grab something to eat later?

The reply comes as he’s waiting for his drink and he’s elated.

Jaebummie❤💞  
I would never pass up the opportunity to see you, my busy little science major

The typing bubble appears and Changkyun grabs his drink as he waits for the next reply.

Jaebummie❤💞  
Your place, 2 hours?

Changkyun suppresses a giggle as he types a back a “sure” and practically skips down the street to tidy the apartment a bit and do homework while he’s free from distractions.

An hour and a half later, the sound of someone opening the front door sounds through the apartment and Changkyun grabs a pillow, squealing a bit before throwing it to the side as Jaebum walks into his room, bright smile on his face as he leans over and kisses Changkyun’s head. He sits on the bed and pulls Changkyun to him after moving his textbooks to the side.

“I missed you, you know? I can’t wait until winter break when I can just kidnap you for two weeks.” Changkyun twists around and places a chaste kiss on Jaebum’s lips. He ignores the sinking feeling in his stomach and smiles.

“It’ll be nice to not have to deal with so much homework and just hang out with you. My lectures end pretty early the Friday before if you want to pick me up after them.” Jaebum nods and maneuvers them so that he’s leaning against the headboard with Changkyun on his chest.

“I’ll plan some cute dates and when we’re not out, we’ll chill at my place or if you get tired of me doddling over you, you can do whatever. I don’t want to make you feel like you’ll be trapped in my apartment or have to be by my side at all times.” His stomach sinks further. Jaebum is just too good for him, but he returned that by doubting their relationship so much, it contributed to a break down. “Hey, you okay?” The concern in his voice nearly bring Changkyun to tears, but he chokes them down and moves from his lap.

“I’m more than okay, just missed you too much,” he whispers, before diving to capture the one thing that could make him stop thinking, even if its effects were temporary.

Jaebum is sleeping when Changkyun steps out of the shower. Grabbing the hoodie Jaebum threw to the floor earlier, he slips it on with a pair of boxers and walks to the kitchen to grab something to eat before going back and snuggling. Jooheon is in the living room with someone, talking in hushed whispers. Changkyun doesn’t recognize the build of the unfamiliar boy, man? He’s large, but in a muscular way and looks far from a boy. When he turns around and gets to his feet, he gives Changkyun the most brilliant smile he’s ever seen.

“I hope we didn’t wake you or anything.”

It takes Changkyun a moment to process that he’s being talked to, but he scrambles for words as he finishes his walk for food. “No, I just got out of the shower and I really don’t think you were loud enough to wake Jaebum up. I didn’t even know we had company until I saw you on the couch.”

Jooheon snorts. “Does Jaebum not count as company anymore?”

Changkyun is about to retort when the unknown man speaks up. “Who’s Jaebum?”

“That would be me.” The man in question walks out, shirtless, and wraps his arms around Changkyun’s waist as he makes himself a bowl of cereal. His face heats up at Jaebum’s half nakedness and affection, but the nerves from being around someone unfamiliar calm in his presence. “Hi baby.”

“Hey Bummie. I’d introduce you, but I happen to not know who this is either.” There’s a laugh and Jaebum shoves his face into Changkyun’s shoulder.

“I’m Hoseok, I have a class with Jooheon and he invited me for dinner because we have to do a project together.”

Changkyun hums, but does a double take and turns around in Jaebum’s arms, who just readjusts. “You two have a class together?”

Jooheon shoots a glare, probably knowing what he’s going to say, but Hoseok seems clueless. “Yeah, why?”

Changkyun laughs and pats Jaebum’s cheek before wrapping his own arms around the older’s neck. “It’s just, you two honestly look like you’d you be on different sides of campus. And Jooheon would definitely tell me if someone as buff and cute as you was in a class of his.” Jaebum looks up and squints at Hoseok, looking him up and down before returning his face to its previous position.

“You are pretty attractive and Jooheon is too gay to not say something,” It’s muffled, but clear enough for Changkyun to hear.

Hoseok blushes a bit, hiding a smile with his hand. “Would you two shut the fuck up? You know my heart is taken anyways.”

Changkyun rolls his eyes, “Yeah, good ‘ol Gunhee, your high school crush and current fuck buddy. How romantic Honey.” Hoseok looks like he doesn’t know what to do with that information and the air in the small kitchen is tense until Jooheon bursts into laughter.

“Yeah, you’re fucking right Kyunnie. I should really tell him, huh? He’s already brought up a real relationship before, but I shot him down because I freaked out.”

There’s a collective sigh before everyone moves to the living room, Changkyun getting his cereal first of course, and he sits with Jaebum on the loveseat, Jooheon taking up the entire couch, which forces Hoseok onto the floor. He doesn’t seem to mind though, so Changkyun doesn’t say anything.

“So, what’s your guys’ project on anyways?”

“Ah, it’s for our gender and sexualities class,” Hoseok starts, “Since we’re both gay, we figured we could do it on that, but I suggested changing it to a romantic orientation, since it’s sometimes overlooked and should really be taught better.”

Changkyun wants to ask more, suddenly intrigued, but Jaebum was starting to get antsy and clearly wants to sleep more, so he’s sent back to the bedroom. Changkyun doesn’t follow him right away and instead turns to Hoseok after making sure his boyfriend didn’t trip or run into anything. “I’d love to hear more, but that big baby can’t be left alone too long or he’ll start whining. I have some free time over winter break if you want to meet up for coffee or something?” He feels strangely relaxed after just five minutes of knowing him.

Hoseok gives a small smile and holds out his hand. “Give me your phone and you can text me whenever you want.”


	2. Chaotic Group Chats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His thoughts wander everywhere, but nowhere. Thinking of Jaebum without him actually being there hasn’t turned out well lately, so he thinks of the amusement park they’re going to. He hasn’t been since he was probably fourteen, but he’s excited to see what has changed about the place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the beginnings of the gc are organized well enough that you can tell who's speaking skjdv

Changkyun spends the next two weeks busier than ever, studying his ass off for exams and taking up extra shifts at work when he’s not doing that. When he gets home, he’s usually too exhausted to even eat, but Jooheon makes him when he can, usually in the mornings and when he can catch him studying, but he still gives worried looks Changkyun can’t even bring himself to feel bad for.

He knows part of the reason for doing this is to distract himself. From what, he doesn’t know, but even Jaebum, who he hardly sees in those two weeks, knows something is up, but neither Kihyun nor Jooheon will tell him themselves. Changkyun tells him it’s because he wants to make sure his break is as open as possible as well as pass his classes and he goes with it, not wanting to push too hard, but he still checks in regularly and Changkyun answers him the best he can, knowing it’s not enough.

He nearly forgets to text Hoseok as the days pass, but he does eventually so that he can have his number saved, but he’s sucked into a conversation he didn’t think he’d have.

hyung, severus snape was an ass and harry didnt deserve anything he did to him

Seokie Hyung  
No no no, Snape was a goddamn hero and the reason he did that was because he looked too much like his dad

Seokie Hyung  
Who btw, bullied him and then married the woman he loved

hyung!!! thats no reason to treat a child so terribly!!

Seokie Hyung  
Well, he did save Harry’s ass a couple of times, give the man some credit

i guess but still. he was a big meanie and you cant change my mind, ever

Seokie Hyung  
😂

Seokie Hyung  
Alright alright, I surrender. You’re right, Snape was an asshole and a big meanie

Changkyun giggles, but there’s no way he can’t be a brat

:(

dont make fun of me

His door opens before he can read the next text and Jooheon is standing in the doorway. “I walked by and heard giggling and thought I would check and make sure no one was torturing you.”

“Pfft, no, I’m just talking to someone while I take a break.” The confusion on his face then is genuine, knowing how Changkyun gets when he starts to overwork himself, nothing can tear him away from what he’s doing.

“Jaebum hyung? Isn’t he in class?”

Changkyun flushes with guilt, having forgotten him and how he’s barely talked to him lately. “No, Hoseok hyung.” Jooheon doesn’t comment, just leaves a plate of food on the bed side table and walks out, but the smile is evident. Why it was there is a mystery.

hyung, i gotta go, but i have my last exams tomorrow so we can hang out then or the day after

i have to check w jaebum hyung first tho, i dunno if hes working or not

Seokie Hyung  
It’s not a problem and you can bring him if you want

Seokie Hyung  
In fact, we can just make it a group thing

ill talk to him you can ask the others

Seokie Hyung  
Will do! Good luck on exams!

thank you

Changkyun throws his phone to the side and grabs the sandwich triangle from the plate Jooheon brought in, munching on it as he throws himself back into studying.

Hours later, whatever guilt Changkyun had felt evaporated as he made his way to Jaebum’s apartment. He didn’t plan on being there that long because he still had studying to do, but he wanted to spend some time cuddling to try and calm his growing nerves.

He had done fine on the exams he already took, but one of the two he has to take the following day are really important to his degree and he can’t afford to fail them.

Changkyun enters the passcode for the building before making his way up to the third floor and walking into Jaebum’s place. It was nicely decorated and really gave off a homey feel, which everyone knew was because of Changkyun.

The first time the younger entered the apartment two years ago, all there was, was a few pictures set up in frames, none with Jaebum himself in it, the walls were a plain white, and the blinds were all the same. Changkyun wouldn’t have that and he took it upon himself to paint the walls (with the landlord’s permission) a soft blue and bought curtains in a purple color that matched. Pictures were put up over time, some of Jaebum and friends, others of just Changkyun smiling or eating.

The place actually started to look lived in as Jaebum spent more and more time there, books and textbooks were scattered on table tops, blankets were thrown over the furniture, the curtains were pulled open when it was nice out, which was a nice contrast to the picture perfect living room that never even had a crumb on the coffee table.

Why it was ever like that, Changkyun didn’t know, but he suspected it was because Jaebum hated being alone and ended up never being at his own place for long, consequently making it look like no one lived there.

He crosses the threshold and shouts as he slips his shoes off, “Bummie! I’m here!” There’s footsteps from the hallway before Jaebum comes into view, sliding on the hardwood in his socks.

He runs over, smile on his face and sweeps Changkyun up. “Kyunnie! It seems like it’s been years since I’ve seen you.” The younger giggles, wrapping his arms around Jaebum’s neck.

“Hi hyung, sorry I was MIA for a while. I’ll be around a lot more starting tomorrow.” They walk to the couch and flop down, Jaebum pulling a blanket down and draping it over them. “You remember Hoseok hyung from a couple weeks ago?” Jaebum hums and grabs the remote to find something on Netflix. “Well he wants to hangout tomorrow, but I already promised I would be with you. He said we could just make it a group thing if you’re up to it.”

For some reason, Changkyun gets a lump in his throat after getting everything out, he almost wants Jaebum to say he got scheduled to work, but that’s ridiculous. Why would he want that?

“Yeah, I don’t work again until Monday, so tomorrow and the weekend are free for us to just chill. I’ll even invite more people and we can go to the amusement park.” Changkyun nods and shifts to pull his phone out to send a text to Hoseok, subtly trying to clear the feeling without alerting Jaebum.

The rest of the afternoon is spent mainly on the couch, Changkyun just laying around and Jaebum complying with anything and everything. The were so comfortable with each other and knew each so well, Jaebum even getting up to make food when he sensed Changkyun was getting hungry without being asked and Changkyun loved that about him. He was so in tune with everyone and noticed tiny details that usually went over Changkyun’s head.

When it started to get late and Changkyun kept nearly dozing off, Jaebum figured it was time for the younger to go home.

“Babe, get your coat and shoes, I’m gonna walk you home.” Changkyun just groaned and buried his face deeper into Jaebum’s lap.

“I’ll just stay the night, don’t wanna move.” Jaebum sighs and rubs Changyun’s back, but it probably made him less likely to move.

“You have your exams and I have errands to run before we meet up and I don’t want you to wake up alone in my bed and me not here. At your place, you a least have stuffed animals, so come on.”

He groans again, but sits up and Jaebum laughs at his dazed look and messed up hair. He smooths it out and stands, offering his hand.

The two leave with Changkyun bundled up in one more hoodie than he arrived with. They don’t take long because it’s freezing out and Jaebum kisses Changkyun on the nose before he goes inside to warm up and sleep.

The next day, Changkyun wakes up nervous, but all he can think of is being in a large group later that day. People made him anxious if he didn’t know them and he agreed to go to an amusement park and it didn’t help that he found out just their group would make up 14 of the people there.

Once a few people were invited, they had taken it upon themselves to invite more people as long as they paid their own way, which would usually be fine, but it extended to people outside his close friend group and even just people he knew and interacted with in classes. He should have expected it since it wasn’t like the group was going out to eat dinner. They’re going to a place with a lot of space and things to do. Most of the other people would probably go off on their own or in smaller groups and they would just leave Changkyun alone.

He sits in bed for a moment, thinking everything over, until he just lets out a heavy sigh, checking the time and texting Jooheon to tell him to grab food on his way home. His roommate got lucky and mainly had exams that were projects, so he went in early this morning to put the final touches on the song he produced for one of them. 

Changkyun had a bunch of required classes this last semester since he got out of taking them his freshman year in favor of jumping into major-specific classes, so there was only one that was done in his own time, which was for his advanced photography class.

He sighs, for the nth time, and gets up, grabbing sweats and a towel on his way to the bathroom for a shower.

Jooheon is already back when Changkyun ggets out, breakfast from the campus cafe, that happened to double as a bakery in the morning, sitting on the coffee table. “I got some great brain food, since you’re gonna need it.”

The younger throws himself onto the couch, grabbing the paper baggie. “Is that an insult?”

Jooheon throws his head back and laughs. “Not at all, I just know how much you hate math. You really should have gotten that class out of the way freshman year.”

“Yeah, yeah, you and Jaebum won’t leave me alone about it, I get it now and I’ll forever regret it.”

Jooheon snatches the bag and grabs his own pastry from it. “You know, Hoseok apparently made the same mistake.” Changkyun perks up a bit at the mention of the upperclassman. “He filled his freshman and sophomore year with gym related classes and took the minimum for his general studies. That’s why he’s in gender and sexuality studies his senior year. He doesn’t have enough credits to go easy this year.”

Changkyun just nods, hoping he doesn’t end up with the same problem. He wants his senior year to be as easy as possible, since Jaebum will be graduated by then and he really wants to spend as much time with him even after he gets a better job.

He munches quietly as Jooheon grabs out his laptop to watch something, probably a drama judging by the way he immediately becomes involved. Changkyun just spaces out, not really thinking of anything until he finishes eating and gets up to find a pair of shoes. He shouts to Jooheon and gets a wave in return before walking out.

He texts Jaebum as he walks and then Hoseok to let him know when he would be done with everything. He doesn’t really expect a text back, knowing both are probably sleeping still, but he knows Jaebum will be waiting for him when he gets out.

He does get a text as he seats himself in the testing room.

Seokie Hyung  
Morning Changkyun!! You caught me at the perfect time, I just finished my workout and was heading for food  
Are you already in the exam room?

yeah, i just got here. im waiting on the professor now

Seokie Hyung  
Ahh, well good luck. I’ll see in a few hours, so don’t die by then

ill definitely try to stay alive. cant miss hanging out w you and the others

Seokie Hyung  
That’s the spirit Kyun

The professor walks in, but Changkyun is relaxed. He doesn’t know if he’ll do well, but he just needs to pass this in order to get the credit and the people that have already taken the class said it wasn’t really that hard, so just positive thoughts is all he needs to get through this.

An hour and a half later, Changkyun stands up and stretches, walking over to the professor with the exam in hand. He lchanks the time and leaves, seeing he still has a half hour before his last exam, so he sits in the courtyard for a bit.

His thoughts wander everywhere, but nowhere. Thinking of Jaebum without him actually being there hasn’t turned out well lately, so he thinks of the amusement park they’re going to. He hasn’t been since he was probably fourteen, but he’s excited to see what has changed about the place.

While trying to recall details of the rides and food stands, his phone buzzes with a notification.

You have been added to a group chat (this is going to be CHAOS)

x  
Okay, there’s a lot of us and I’m sure no one knows everyone

xx  
Jackson hyung, this is dumb

x  
Shut up Yugyeom, this is brilliant

Jaebumie❤💞  
A group chat with 14 people is brilliant?

Jaebumie❤💞  
I don’t know what you’re smoking, but it’s making you stupider than you already are

Honey Bun  
Idk who you are, but I would like to know how you got all of our numbers

x  
It’s called being sneaky and stealing phones

Jaebumie❤💞  
SO THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PHONE EARLIER YOU SNAKE

xxx  
I don’t know any of you except for Hoseok hyung? How did you get my umber???

Seokie Hyung  
I gave it to him because he said he was going to coordinate everything, but I didn’t realize he would throw us all into a gc

x  
Shut up seok, you very well knew this would happen. You’ve known me too long to not know

Jaebumie❤💞  
You know Hoseok?

Jaebumie❤💞  
I thought you were a loner besides having mark and I

xxxx  
I find that offensive, I would never date a loner

x  
Is that a compliment?

xxxx  
It can be

listen up y’all, i need some damn names because my head is hurting from all of the phone numbers

x  
It’s Jackson Wang my dude, resident cool guy

xxxx  
Now I know why Jaebum thought you were a loner

xxxx  
This is Mark, self proclaimed cool guy’s boyfriend

Jackson  
You don’t think I’m cool? :(

Mark  
You’re an idiot, now shut up

Seokie Hyung  
It’s still kinda early, so we can continue introductions later. You can mute us kyun, I know your next exam starts soon

xxx  
Wow, cutting me off right before I tell him my name, thanks hyung

xxx  
Before he cuts me off again, this is Minhyuk, now go get that exam!

thanks?

He changes the last contact he can for now and shuts his phone down before another message comes through. Why a group chat had to be created, Changkyun doesn’t know, but he hopes is doesn’t last too long after today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to Ally for helping me with the gc name. I got way too stuck on it, but didn't want to move past it because I might have forgotten lmao
> 
> Also, I know this chapter might be boring? I'm not sure, but the story needed some setting up before I could delve into everything and there's a purpose to it


	3. New Friends and Amusement Parks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Anyways,” Mark starts, finally being able to talk and be heard, “Have either of you talked to Youngjae? He was in that mess of a chat earlier, but I’m not sure if he knows everything since most of it got lost with Gyeom’s memes and Bam’s cat pictures.”
> 
> Changkyun shrugs and takes Jaebum’s hand unconsciously, immediately regretting it, “I had the chat muted earlier because of exams, so I don’t know who you’re talking about.”
> 
> “Hyung, why wouldn’t you ask me? He’s my boyfriend.” Jinyoung frowns at Mark and Jackson looks like he’s going to tear his throat out for it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is quite a bit longer than the last two, but not long enough to split it up, so enjoy this mess

Walking out of his second exam was a relief. Changkyun was already exhausted from the brain power he had to use, but he knows he won’t get the chance to nap when he sees Jaebum leaning on the wall of the building he just exited, scrolling through his phone.

Changkyun makes his way over and prepares a mini speech to explain he wants to go home and sleep before spending his late afternoon and evening with a bunch of people, but as soon as Jaebum looks up, it’s like he knows.

“I was running some errands and figured I would pick you up, but how about you head to my place and nap until I’m all done, yeah?” Relief floods Changkyun’s body, but his stomach flips at the same time. Jaebum really loves him a lot, doesn’t he?

“Thank god, I’m tired as hell. I’ll see you there in a bit, have fun with your errands.” He pecks the older on the cheek and then the mouth before beginning to walk away. He turns to wave and gets one in return before he’s off, anticipating a warm bed.

Except when he finally lets himself into Jaebum’s apartment and curls up under the comforter, he can’t sleep. Thoughts about his relationship with Jaebum have been nagging at him a lot recently, but now that he has nothing to do that will occupy his mind, he starts mulling over them. _I love him as much as he loves me, right? _He chews his lip and nods to himself. He loves Jaebum, he knows that for sure. He trusts him more than anyone and nothing will ever change that.__

___But in what way do you love him? ____ _

____The thought comes from nowhere and Changkyun shoots up. He starts shaking slightly and he pulls the blanket up to his chin. He grabs his phone and ducks under the blanket completely, turning it on._ _ _ _

____He navigates to his chat with Jooheon and Kihyun, speedily typing a message._ _ _ _

guys, i need help 

____Honey 🐝  
What? What’s wrong?_ _ _ _

i just, i don’t know. 

______ _ _

i just need you guys rn 

____Ki Ki hyung  
Alright, where are you? We’ll come to you_ _ _ _

bummie’s place 

____Honey🐝  
We’ll be right there, hang tight_ _ _ _

____Changkyun puts his phone aside and turns so he’s on his forearms and knees. He holds his head and tries to push the doubts back. He _has _to be in love with Jaebum. They’ve been together too long for him to doubt that. He loves him so much it hurts sometimes and he knows he gets the same amount of love in return so _why _is he doubting that?_____ _ _ _

________He tries to think back when he and Jaebum first started dating. The feeling of being loved and appreciated was overwhelming at times, but he enjoyed the attention. He’s never felt starved of it while with Jaebum, but is that the problem? Was he just too happy while basking in it that he just never never realized…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________What is it that he hasn’t realized? What other alternative is there to loving someone like he always thought he did?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tears prick at his eyes and his body tenses while it feels like his chest is suddenly too small for his lungs. He chokes on air when he tries to breathe in deeply, a sob making its way up instead. He just doesn’t understand how he could not love Jaebum._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The feeling of his lungs being squeezed doesn’t let up, but he hears the front door open faintly, like he’s hearing it from really far away. He freezes, terrifies it’s Jaebum until he hears two sets of socked footsteps and the door swing open._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Kihyun’s voice comes through first, but Changkyun still barely hears it. “Oh no, Kyunnie, is it really this bad?” Something drops to the floor and someone makes their way to the bed in a few steps and the blanket is gently pulled back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Changkyun cringes away and sniffles, turning his head away and grabbing at the blanket blindly. “Changkyun,” Jooheon starts softly, placing his hand on the younger boy’s back, “You need to breathe, please. I know it’s hard but you need to calm down.” He just gets a vigorous shake of the head from Changkyun, whose been so tense for so long that his body starts trembling. He knows he should listen, but he doesn’t know how, like he’s forgotten how to breathe properly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Another set of hands land on his waist. “Just follow us, okay? Focus on us and our breaths and try to copy them.” He listens and tries his best to follow directions and eventually, he’s able to. His breathing evens out, his body relaxes and he starts to cry. His emotions just start flowing like they should have in the beginning and he flings the blanket back all the way, burrowing his face in the first lap he sees. The hands that were on his waist move to his back and rub it comfortingly while whoever Changkyun is gripping for dear life starts rocking back and forth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It takes some time, but Changkyun finally lifts his head to find Jooheon looking at him worriedly and Kihyun beside him with a similar expression._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The eldest of the three speaks first, “Kyun, this is your second break down in a month when you never had them this bad before. There’s something bothering you and you need to get it off your chest or this cycle will continue and gradually get worse.” He really sounds like a parent, soft and reassuring, but needing to get a point across at the same time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Changkyun sits up properly, but takes Jooheon’s hands as a grounder. “I want to tell you, I really do, but hyung, it’s so,” He pauses and sniffles, tears pricking his eyes again. “It’s so _scary _. It’s unbelievably terrifying and I don’t know what to do.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kihyun moves into view and places his hands around Changkyun’s. “Kyun, we can help make it less scary, and if we can’t, we’ll find a way, but breaking down like this every few weeks won’t help. What if Honey and I aren’t available? What if Jaebum couldn’t get to you?” The pang in Changkyun’s chest gets worse and his grip on Jooheon’s hand gets tighter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Kyun? Is this about Jaebum? Did he do something to you?” Changkyun worries his lip between his teeth before sighing out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“He didn’t do anything except be the perfect boyfriend.” No one says anything, so he continues, “It started when I realized I couldn’t really fit Jaebum into my future as my partner. That was the night I first broke down and ended up in Jooheon hyung’s bed. I kinda brushed it off after that and figured it was maybe just because I’m so busy with school and the way I’m trying to imagine my future is just distorted because of that, but this weird, uncomfortable feeling wouldn’t go away.” He lowers his head in shame, the words still not wanting to come out, but Kihyun’s thumb running across his knuckles brings him back. “When I let myself in earlier, I just had this thought, maybe I love him, but not the way I think I do and I just spiraled.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kihyun moves his hands and pulls Changkyun into a hug, Jooheon wrapping his arms around them both. The oldest of the three doesn’t say anything, but after a few minutes, Jooheon pulls away again and makes Changkyun look at him. “If you’re not in love with him, that’s perfectly okay. Not everyone can develop romantic feelings the same way as most people and some can’t at all, but Kyun, it’ll be okay. There’s still an hour or so until we’re all supposed to meet up, clear your head and decide what you’re going to do.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yeah,” Kihyun starts, “And if you still need to talk to someone, Honey and I are still here and I think Hoseok hyung knows a lot about this. I think you’re his favorite dongsaeng and I’m sure he’ll be happy to help you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Changkyun doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t really want to accept help from someone he doesn’t know well, but at the same time, Jooheon trusts him and if he’s able to help him sort this out, then why not?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kihyun and Jooheon shuffle towards the door and say their temporary goodbyes before Jaebum gets home and asks why there’s two extra people in his home. After waving them off, Changkyun walks to the bathroom to wash up and put on some light makeup to cover any trace of his break down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________When he’s happy, he grabs a plushie he had gifted Jaebum on their third date and makes his way to the couch. It isn’t long before the sound of the keypad and the door opening is heard again, but Changkyun doesn’t get up to greet Jaebum like he would normally. Instead, he just bundles up and if Jaebum notices, he doesn’t say anything, just ruffles his hair and kisses his forehead._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Cold? You could have turned the heat on.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Changkyun pouts and squirms, “Didn’t want to jack up your electric bill and I’m fine like this.” Jaebum nods and looks around the apartment for something and shouts when he finds it. “You okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He walks back into sight with a shit eating grin and nods, “Dandy, now let’s grab something to drink before we meet the others.” He grabs Changkyun’s jacket from where the boy left it and hands it to him as he’s pulling his shoes on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They end up at a little cafe that Jaebum’s friend Jinyoung works at. He’s apparently getting off soon to go with them, so Jaebum thought it’d be chill for Changkyun to get a chance to meet at least one person before fourteen of them are together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They order and seat themselves as they wait, but someone slides into Changkyun’s side of the booth rather hazardously, followed by someone else on Jaebum’s side with one of the employee aprons on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Jackson, you idiot, you could have hurt him. Have some manners when you’re in my shop.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jackson claps and points at the employee, who Changkyun guesses is Jinyoung, and let’s out a “Hah!” Followed by, “Your shop? I thought you were a manager, not the owner.” Jinyoung brings his fist up and widens his eyes, causing Jackson to flinch._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yah, Jackson, don’t piss him off, we’re not even at the park yet,” a new voice suggests, the person embodying it sliding in the booth next to Jackson. Changkyun moves closer to the wall and Jaebum gives him an apologetic smile. The new addition leans forward and waves down the table at Changkyun, “I’m Mark and I give you full permission to hit this guy if he gets to be too much, don’t worry about age, I’ll back you up.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Changkyun nods and dips his head a bit, speechless, but Jaebum picks the conversation up for him. “Why are you guys here? I didn’t text you and forget did I?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“We came because we planned to go with Jinyoung after he gets off,” Mark answers, “Which, by the way, he really should get back so that he isn’t reprimanded for slacking.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jinyoung just sits back and crosses his arms, “Slacking? Hyung, look around the shop, is there anyone that needs to be tended to? This is a cafe, not a restaurant and my job is to take orders and make coffee.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jackson starts in and the two bicker about it while Mark attempts to say something to Changkyun and Jaebum. After his second try, he slaps Jackson and tells him to shut up and another employee sets down drinks before going back to the counter and grabbing two more. They say their thanks and he goes back to his place by the register._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Anyways,” Mark starts, finally being able to talk and be heard, “Have either of you talked to Youngjae? He was in that mess of a chat earlier, but I’m not sure if he knows everything since most of it got lost with Gyeom’s memes and Bam’s cat pictures.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Changkyun shrugs and takes Jaebum’s hand unconsciously, immediately regretting it, “I had the chat muted earlier because of exams, so I don’t know who you’re talking about.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Hyung, why wouldn’t you ask me? He’s my boyfriend.” Jinyoung frowns at Mark and Jackson looks like he’s going to tear his throat out for it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Well I don’t know, maybe because you were arguing with mine and I figured I’d ask the sane ones here,” Mark shoots back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaebum butts in and reaches across the table to grab Mark’s his wrist, but only catches his thumb, “Hyung, if you’re gonna beat Jinyoung’s ass, don’t do it at his place of work. And yes, I did talk to him, he knows what’s going on.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yes Mark hyung, I talked to my own boyfriend and he’ll be here a few minutes before my shift ends. Thank you for having faith in my communication skills.” Changkyun giggles and buries his face in his arm when Jinyoung is blatantly ignored besides Jackson mimicking the move he made earlier, only Jinyoung doesn’t flinch, just sticks his tongue out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________A customer walks in and Jinyoung gets up to greet them before moving back to the register to replace the other employee. Mark moves so he’s seated beside Jaebum to even out the sides. Changkyun lifts his head when Jaebum’s thumb runs across his knuckles. “He’ll be off in a bit and then we can get out of here. Everyone else was told to meet us at the gate so that we can buy our passes together.” Changkyun nods and turns to Mark and Jackson to avoid confronting the sudden heaviness in his limbs. They’re talking about their drinks and sipping each other’s to see which they like more. It seems like they come to the conclusion that both are good, Jackson’s, which looks like some fruit drink, is better for the summer time, and Mark’s, which is a coffee, is better for autumn and winter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Changkyun just watches them interact and realizes, despite Mark’s comments on Jackson’s behavior, they get along really well and are so relaxed with one another. He reflects on his own relationship and knows in his chest that he feels that comfort with Jaebum, but it’s a similar comfort to what he feels with Kihyun and Jooheon. Are they supposed to be the same? What’s the difference between a relationship comfort and a friendship comfort? He wonders if there even is one._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Changkyun is snapped back by the jingle of the door, signifying someone either walked in or walked out and he turns around to look. Standing there with a phone in his hand is a boy with a freckle beneath his right eye, dressed casually in jeans and a white t-shirt tucked in in the front._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He’s looking towards the register and his face brightens when he sees Jinyoung. He walks over and orders before turning around. Jackson stands up and shouts, “Youngjae!” despite there being very few people in the cafe and the group likely being very noticeable._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Youngjae looks around, pretending Jackson doesn’t exist, before looking back and acting surprised. He walks over and greets them, introducing himself to Changkyun, the first person to properly do so in a normal manner. He doesn’t sit, just stands at the end of the table, chatting until Jinyoung walks over with his drink and wraps his arm around Youngjae’s waist._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Let’s go before the kids start complaining about us being late,” the eldest of the group states, just before half of their phones go off. Changkyun pulls his out, seeing it’s a notification from the group chat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Yugyeom  
Hyungs, hurry up, Bam and I are already here_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Are Yugyeom and Bambam the youngest of your group?” Changkyun inquires and gets a solemn nod from Jinyoung, Mark, and Jaebum._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Another message, but from Kihyun._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ki Ki Hyung  
Jooheon and I are already here, what do you guys look like?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Yugyeom sends a selfie and the chat quiets again. The group in the cafe decide to hurry up so that they’re not the last to get there. They wave down two taxis and realize they have to go in threes. “Go with Mark hyung and Jackson hyung, I’ll ride with Jinyoung hyung and Youngjae,” Changkyun tells Jaebum, who just nods and does as told._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They get there in no time and Changkyun goes to pull out some cash to pay part of the cab fee, but his hand is pushed away by Jinyoung, “I’ll pay, just get out and find Yugyeom before he starts crying out in boredom.” He’s not allowed to protest because Youngjae reaches over from the middle seat and opens the door, pushing Changkyun out of the cab._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Don’t argue with Jinyoung when he wants to pay, you’ll never win,” he says when they’re out. Youngjae spots the little group that started to form and waits for Jinyoung and the other cab before walking over to them. After a quick head count, they find out there’s two of them missing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Hoseok hyung and the person he’s bringing, Hyungwon I think?” Jooheon supplies and everyone decides to wait on introductions until they arrive. A text is sent to Hoseok directly and he replies, saying they’re five minutes away, but it takes a bit longer for them to pull up and stumble out of the cab._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Sorry we took so long, the driver got confused and took a wrong turn.” Everyone nods in understanding and someone Changkyun doesn’t know, but faintly recognizes takes the lead in introductions._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m Minhyuk and this,” he motions to someone else Changkyun doesn’t know, but wishes he does, “Is Hyunwoo, my hunk of a mans.” Hyunwoo blushes, which was unexpected given his size and general look, but bows, saying hello. They go around like that, the couples typically introducing together or one introducing both, and Changkyun finds out that besides Jooheon and Kihyun, Hoseok and Hyungwon are single, pretty much explaining why the group is so big, everyone wanted to bring their man, but so many gays in one place is going to get chaotic._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They get into the line for their passes and start filing into the park, but as expected, smaller groups break off to do different things. They agree to send periodic updates to the chat in case someone else wants to join in on a ride or activity and they start moving around. Changkyun ends up with Jaebum, Hoseok, Hyungwon and Kihyun first, Jooheon going off with Minhyuk and Hyunwoo and the rest of the group still bickering about what to do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The five of them head towards the food stands, getting whatever looked good but wasn’t crazy expensive, which ended up being a hotdogs and then a big elephant ear to share._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They sit in a grassy area set off for people to rest and munched, Hyungwon and Kihyun apparently hitting it off really well. From the little knowledge Changkyun has of Hyungwon, he thought the two were complete opposites, plus Kihyun tends to stray away from really tall people, but they’re so engaged in conversation that the rest of them are able to get up and leave without even trying to be quiet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The three of them walk away and look for a mellow ride to get on that won’t upset their stomachs after eating. Changkyun hopes Hoseok doesn’t feel like a third wheel and makes an effort to ensure he doesn’t. Jaebum catches on and probably feels the same way and they end up on the ride Hoseok suggests._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It’s basically a giant boat that swings back and forth, something Changkyun can handle and also makes him thankful Jooheon isn’t with them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They flash their day passes when it’s their turn and climb in. Hoseok tenses up for a moment when they start moving, but relaxes when Changkyun elbows him slightly and laughs. Hoseok ends up being the loudest, but he’s smiling the whole time, and even grabs Changkyun’s hand and raises it, Changkyun doing the same to Jaebum._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________By the time the ride comes to a stop, each of them look like they just got out of bed, but they’re laughing and leaning on each other. Hoseok throws his arm over Changkyun and Jaebum, the latter doing the same which ends with a squished Changkyun they tease and Jaebum kisses his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Changkyun’s first response is to look at Hoseok’s reaction, but he’s just looking forward and smiling. After assuring he doesn’t feel uncomfortable, Changkyun kisses Jaebum on the cheek and they untangle, looking for another ride and checking the group chat to see what everyone else is up to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________When the sky starts changing color and darkness creeps up on the world, the amusement park flips on its lights, changing the scenery. The chill doesn’t affect the group, which regathered for a count of fourteen again, but no one is risking it to take a layer off. Everyone is cuddled into someone else’s side or having their side cuddled into as they sit in the rest area. Changkyun is using Jaebum and Jooheon as heaters while Hoseok sits on one side of Hyungwon, just resting against him while Kihyun is curled around Hyungwon with his head in his lap._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They’re about to leave, maybe have dinner together, but Jaebum stands and brings Changkyun up with him. Jooheon whines about the lack of support and heat and waddles over to Jackson and Mark, whom he’s apparently gotten along well with today, but Changkyun ignores him. “I have one last thing I want to do with Kyun and then we can leave, or you guys can go ahead of us.” Changkyun doesn’t know what the decision ends up being as Jaebum leads him away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They stop when they reach a line of people and Changkyun looks up to see the park’s ferris wheel. He feels his chest compress again, but does his best to hold the panic at bay. This is his first time being alone with Jaebum since the entered the cafe earlier that day and he’s forgotten what to do with himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He doesn’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse when they reach the front of the line quickly, but he just smiles as Jaebum hold his arm out for him to get in the car first. They make small talk as they move, Changkyun trying his best to hide anything is wrong, but when they get close to the top, he realizes how tired he is of doing that, and when Jaebum is leaning forward for what Changkyun assumes is a kiss at the top of the ferris wheel, the words tumble out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I think we should break up.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	4. Ferris Wheel Breakups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He takes extra long strides to reach Jaebum, but the older stops as he does. “We’re here.” He motions towards the building they’re next to. It’s small as it’s on a small street, but the smell coming through the open windows is enough to make it seem like Jaebum is questioning whether he really wants to follow Changkyun in after they say goodbye, but when Changkyun turns around, Jaebum is walking backwards to see he goes in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not edited, but i'll do it later

“What?” Jaebum sits back and Changkyun notices his hand move away from his coat pocket and into his lap.

“I,” his voice cracks on the first syllable, “I think we should break up.”

Jaebum’s face falls as if he was wishing he heard wrong the first time and he leans back as the car begins to move again. He looks away and scrunches his nose, and looks like he has a lot to say, but settles on one word, “Why?”

Changkyun sighs and wishes he could comfort him, but that would only make it worse for the both of them. “Before you start blaming yourself, because I know you will, it really isn’t your fault,” He decides to repeat the phrase he gave Kihyun and Jooheon earlier that day, “All you did was be a perfect boyfriend and I think that either prolonged this or made it come sooner. Bummie, I’m so sorry and I know it probably seems sudden, but I swear to you, you never did anything wrong and I love you, I really do, but just not in the way I want to.” He begins to plead almost, just desperately wishing his point is across.

Jaebum looks at him now, his chin out a bit and his nose still scrunched in attempt to keep tears at bay. “Kyun, you’re not making sense. In the two years we’ve been together, you never realized something like this?” He hits his head against the wire cage behind them.

Changkyun feels something in his chest build up, maybe it’s panic, maybe it’s heartbreak from seeing someone he cares about hurting, he’s not sure, but he can’t let Jaebum hate him. Losing him would shatter his world.

“Bummie, you know I was never in a serious relationship before you, right? I was frustrated for a long time because none of my flings turned into something more and then you show up at the club with your lazy smile and strong gaze and you didn’t run the next morning.” _Deep breaths _he reminds himself. “You were the only person to ever show real interest in my personality and my dreams and I think I confused the fullness of comfort and having found some kind of home in you as love, and dear god did it break me when I realized.”__

__The hurt and confusion left Jaebum’s features and he gets up carefully steps to sit next to Changkyun. He hesitantly takes his hand, but grows confident when Changkyun doesn’t pull away. It tugs at Changkyun’s heart that Jaebum is still trying to take care of him and he lays his head on Jaebum’s shoulder to avoid looking him in the eye._ _

__“I know this hurts, there’s no way it doesn’t, and I also know an apology won’t heal the pain so I won’t give you one if you already know how much I hate this. I can’t let you leave my life though. I may not be able to fall in love with you, but I still care about you.”_ _

__Jaebum kisses Changkyun’s hair and whispers, “I won’t leave as long as you want me to stay, but give me time to get past this.” Changkyun nods and sits up as the car reaches its stopping point. They climb out and Changyun pulls his coat a little tighter around himself, not quite sure what to do._ _

__Jaebum pulls his phone out and sends a text before clicking it off and putting it back in his back pocket. “The guys left and are on their way to get food. They sent me an address if you want to join.” He gives no indication if he himself is going, but Changkyun nods, wanting to be back in a group of people instead of being left alone with his thoughts. “I’ll walk you there then, I have something else to take care of._ _

__“I can go on my own, they sent the address to the group chat, right? I don’t want you to be in an uncomfortable position.” He just gets a head pat and Jaebum starts walking._ _

__Changkyun trails after him, but doesn’t make an effort to catch up and walk beside him. His thoughts are all tangled up and straightening them out is proving to be difficult. He tries to push it aside when he realizes Jaebum probably isn’t doing much better._ _

__He takes extra long strides to reach Jaebum, but the older stops as he does. “We’re here.” He motions towards the building they’re next to. It’s small as it’s on a small street, but the smell coming through the open windows is enough to make it seem like Jaebum is questioning whether he really wants to follow Changkyun in after they say goodbye, but when Changkyun turns around, Jaebum is walking backwards to see he goes in._ _

__“Bum-” He stops himself from finishing the pet name, “Jaebum, wait.” He stops, but doesn’t walk closer again. “You really won’t disappear on me? Even though I’m putting you through this?” He can’t help but feel guilt and shame and he would completely understand if Jaebum did decide to leave, but he’ll never let go of that guilt if he does._ _

__“Kyun, don’t worry about me leaving, it won’t ever happen. I care about you too and I know it’d hurt the both of us too much if I did that. So stop thinking about it and go have fun and fill yourself with good food, it smells delicious and I’m sure Kihyun and Jooheon are arguing over what you’re gonna want to eat, so go settle it before they rip each other’s throats out.” Changkyun nods and gives a small wave before turning and walking in the restaurant and searching for the group._ _

__It’s not hard as three tables had to be pushed together to fit them all and Jackson absolutely felt the need to stand up and yell for him again. Changkyun makes his way over and seats himself in one of the last open seats, in between Hoseok and Mark, across from Hyungwon._ _

__It seemed Jaebum had been right about Jooheon and Kihyun arguing over food, despite the fact there’s two people separating them._ _

__“There’s two whole ass grills here, why are you being so stubborn on what we get when the rest of the group has said they want both?” Kihyun looks like he’s about to leap over the table and tackle Jooheon._ _

__Changkyun leans over towards Hoseok and asks in a low voice, “What’s this about?”_ _

__Hoseok responds just as quietly, following Changkyun’s lead and leaning over too, “Jooheon wants a selection of pork and Kihyun wants a some beef. We all said we’d pay equally, but Jooheon doesn’t want to jack up the bill with the beef, even though half of us want it and don’t mind.”_ _

__“Hyung, I’m just saying, it’s a lot of meat for the 14-”_ _

__“13 Heon,” Changkyun corrects._ _

__“13 of us and the beef is unnecessary.”_ _

__Kihyun raised a chopstick threatingly but sets it back down quickly. “Fine, then the expense of the beef will be split between those who eat it, but I swear to God Jooheon, if you take one piece I’ll beat you and make you pay for all of it.”_ _

__Hoseok leans again, “Are they usually like this?”_ _

__Changkyun shrugs and then reaches up to stretch. “If one of us isn’t having a crisis of some sort, then yeah, they tend to bicker. You get used to it after knowing them for 20 years.”_ _

__“Not just a while, but 20 years?”_ _

__Changkyun nods solemnly, “Yeah, 20 years and living with them for 2 before Kihyun moved out still hasn’t steeled me against it. One time I woke up to them already at it, but guess what they were arguing about.”_ _

__“What?”_ _

__“Who ate the last of the frosted flakes. But little do they know to this day, it was me at 3 AM that morning.”_ _

__Hoseok laughs, throwing his head back a little bit. “They never once questioned you?” He asks when the giggles pass._ _

__“Nope and I would have confessed if they had. I honestly think that incident was the one that truly made Kihyun move out. He really loves his frosted flakes.”_ _

__He sees Hoseok smile out of the corner of his eye as he watched their food be placed on the table. Kihyun and Mark take over grilling it with occasional yells of the other boys telling them to not burn it. Bambam and Yugyeom are particularly loud with Mark, but despite being the oldest of that circle, he doesn’t seem to care. Jinyoung notices Changkyun’s weird look tells him he grew up in the U.S and isn’t super picky about the way the youngest talk to him, but just as he says this, Mark raises tongs that had just been one the grill at Yugyeom who had spoken informally one too many time._ _

__“I guess he does have his limits.” Is all Jinyoung says before going back to conversation with Jackson and Youngjae._ _

__Changkyun does his best to be involved in conversations and give input when he thinks it’s beneficial, but as he’s seated smack in the middle of the table and he’s having trouble keeping up._ _

__At one point, Changkyun is so engaged in a conversation with Hoseok and Bambam, but when he turns to listen to Hyunwoo and Minhyuk talk about their dance studio with Kihyun, he completely misses Hoseok actually trying to ask him something._ _

__“Changkyun?”_ _

__His head whips around, “Hm? Yeah?”_ _

__“Stop stressing over trying to talk to everyone,” Jooheon butts in, “Hoseok was trying to ask you something because he thought you were a part of the conversation.”_ _

__“Ah, sorry hyung, what was your question?”_ _

__Hoseok waves his hands, “Forget that, do you and Jooheon want a ride home?”_ _

__Both boys push their eyebrows together, but it’s Youngjae that shouts, “You have a car?”_ _

__Jinyoung chokes on the water he’s drinking, startled by his boyfriend’s sudden outburst in his ear._ _

__“I arrived in a taxi with Hyungwon, remember? I was offering to share and pay for one since I don’t live far from them._ _

__“What about me you punk?” Hyungwon asks before dipping his head in apology when Hoseok glares at him for the informal speech. “What about me, hyung,” He corrects himself._ _

__“I figured since Kihyun is practically in your lap right now, you’d be leaving together, now shut your mouth before I expose your weird ass habits to everyone here and thank me for not offering.” Changkyun catches the wink Hoseok directs at Hyungwon, but he’s stony faced as Kihyun is the one that blushes and buries his face in Hyungwon’s shoulder.”_ _

__“Seok,” Hyunwoo forces out while holding back a laugh as Minhyuk giggles and throws his slightly drunk self over Hyunwoo’s lap. “Leave the kids alone, you know how young love is. Wait to tease until next week when they’re both trying to sneakily get information about the other while trying to not be obvious.”_ _

__Minhyuk laughs harder and decides to just stay draped over Hyunwoo while clutching his stomach. Youngjae nudges Jinyoung a bit and says something that causes a reaction he tries to hide before turning and saying something back. Youngjae giggles and hits Jinyoung lightly while Jackson glares._ _

__“And you guys tell us to not be cheesy.” Changkyun continues to watch the reaction, absentmindedly laying his head on Hoseok’s shoulder out of sleepiness and habit. Hoseok doesn’t say anything, but he drops his shoulder and souches a bit to make it more comfortable._ _

__He sees Jooheon stand up and walk around the table before bending over and saying something to Hoseok, but he’s too tired to try to hear what he says. He’s jostled a little a moment later and before he knows it, he’s on Hoseok’s back, being carried to the counter where Hoseok and Jooheon pay off part of the party’s bill. He goes to object, knowing one or both are paying his part too but he’s shushed by Jooheon who tells him to just sleep._ _

__He eventually obeys while the trio are walking, or two are walking and one is bumming on their energy, down the street to get to a road they can wave a taxi down on._ _

__When he wakes up next, Hoseok is taking off his shoes while Jooheon is setting a glass of water down. “Hey kiddo, rest easy yeah?” Jooheon starts, “I know today was tough and I have no idea what happened with you and Jaebum, but get some sleep and things will get better when your head is clearer.” Changkyun has no clue what he’s talking about, but he nods and glances at Hoseok, who’s standing in the doorway now._ _

__“Goodnight Kyun, I’ll see you again soon.” He walks out and Jooheon kisses Changkyun’s head before switching off the lights and following Hoseok and closing the door._ _

__Hours later, Changkyun shoots up in bed, his body covered in a thin layer of sweat and he’s trying to catch his breath. When he does, he glances at the clock beside his bed, which flashes 2:28 back at him. The room is dark and everything is dead silent besides the sound of an occasional car passing on the street below._ _

__Changkyun throws his comforter off and pads to the bathroom where he ends up staring at his reflection for five minutes before turning on the faucet and splashing water on his face. Another minute or two of looking at himself in the mirror before he decides to quit before his mind starts morphing his image into something ugly._ _

__He tries to recall his dream as he walks past Jooheon’s room and into the kitchen, but it doesn’t resurface in its entirety, just flashes that he forgets as soon as they come up. He drinks a gulps down a glass of water before setting the cup next to the sink, but instead of making his way back to his room, he gently sets himself on the couch and turns on the TV._ _

__The loneliness is already setting in and he catches himself wondering if Jaebum is awake, wondering if it was too late to try and take back everything he said and continue living a lie, but he pushes that fantasy away and instead gets up to retrieve his phone and blanket._ _

__His thumb hovers over a chat, not knowing if he really wants to open it. He decides it’s fine and he’ll just go back to bed if he doesn’t get reply._ _

__It’s two words he sends out, but he has just enough confidence to not regret them after the text is sent._ _

you up?

____


	5. Confrontation and Chicken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Changkyun, right now you need to figure out how to ease your own pain. Be selfish for once and think about yourself.” Changkyun doesn’t really know how to do that, but he says he’ll think about it. “Okay,” Hoseok stands, “We gotta get back before the chicken gets cold, Hyungwon will kick our asses if it isn’t.” He offers his hand and Changkyun takes it.
> 
> They chatter as they walk back and Changkyun guesses it’s because Hoseok knows he shouldn’t be left alone with his own thoughts, and he’s grateful. Not many people know him well enough to pick up on small things, although this one might be obvious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY I MADE Y'ALL WAIT SO LONG i wasn't really feeling too inspired and i was focusing on my art more, BUT HERE Y'ALL GO, IT'S JUST FILLER BECAUSE I SUCK, BUT I HOPE YOU LIKE IT ANYWAYS

He lowers his phone and looks at the TV to see what was playing, but he ends up spacing out instead. When he shakes his head, he sees someone dressed like someone from the 80’s cuffing a much more modern looking man dressed in a button up and slacks to the bars of a cell.

He doesn’t recognize the scene and he has no clue what’s going on, but with a few more minutes of watching, he starts to understand the 80’s man is actually a detective from the 80’s, but he had somehow jumped forward in time without realizing it.

Just as he’s getting more involved in the drama, he feels his phone vibrate in his hand with a text. Figuring he can’t ignore it to continue watching and just explaining he fell asleep again when asked, he flips the phone over and opens the text.

Seokie Hyung  
Unfortunately  
Why are you? I thought you’d sleep through the night with how exhausted you were

had a dream i guess 

Seokie Hyung  
Did you want to talk about it?

don’t remember it lol All i know is that i woke up sweaty and i was out of breath 

Seokie Hyung  
Ahh, okay, I get it. I don’t usually have trouble remembering my dreams, but I have had that happen once or twice

lucky, i can never remember mine unless it was something super weird :p 

Seokie Hyung  
Sometimes that’s a good thing, that way you never find out what terrifying things the brain is capable of coming up with when left without a filter

Changkyun had never heard Hoseok say anything like that. He was always cheerful and tried to bring the mood up if it was down, but he supposes late nights and unsaid thoughts will do that to someone.

He tries to think of what to say next, but what his thumbs type out is not what he really had in mind.

i broke up with hyung 

Why he needed to tell him, he doesn’t really know, but he feels secure when talking to Hoseok. He knows he won’t be judged or shamed by the senior and he’s shared some of his deepest thoughts with him, but Changkyun purposefully kept anything about Jaebum out of conversation. He felt that was his battle to fight up until Kihyun and Jooheon had to come save him from his own mind.

Seokie Hyung  
Jooheon told me before I left earlier, but he didn’t tell me why, just that you might be a little sensitive because of it

i think i’m doing alright but i can see myself getting lonely if i can’t occupy my time 

Seokie Hyung  
My door is always open, you can come by whenever

maybe i’l take you up on that and you can also buy me food since you’re such a great hyung 😁 

Seokie Hyung  
Yeah, sure brat, get your ass over here and I’ll find a chicken place that’s open this late, but we might have to walk

Changkyun jumped up and found something warm plus a pair of Doc Martens before flying out the door, but he’s stopped in his tracks when he sees someone pacing in front of his door.

It takes him a moment to figure out who it is in the dark since half the lights in the hall are out, but eventually the stature become recognizable, “Hyung?” The person jumps and the light above them flickers on for a moment to confirm it was Jaebum, who had apparently not heard Changkyun’s door open and close.

“Listen, Kyun, I know this doesn’t look good, but I just had to ask something that’s been bugging me.” Changkyu nods as an okay to ask, wanting to get to Hoseok as soon as he could and get out of this uncomfortable situation. “Why?”

He should have known, he really fucking should have and yet he stood there, looking at his ex dumbly as if that wasn’t something he would know the answer to. Jaebum sees his expression and tries to explain himself quickly, “I just- everything seemed okay right up until a month ago or so,” _So he had noticed _, Changkyun thought to himself, _guess I’m not as good at hiding things as I think I am. _“I just want to know what went wrong and if I can help. I’m not asking you to take me back, but I’m worried Changkyun.”____

____The younger just shakes his head and closes his eyes. “Hyung, I know this is upsetting, trust me, I’m hurting too, but please, it’s late, first of all, and second of all, I have somewhere to be. Can we please talk about this tomorrow or later in the week? We can talk when you get off of work Friday.” Jaebum looks hurt, but he nods anyways and steps aside. Changkyun half expects him to ask where he’s going, but he doesn’t. Just stands there looking at the light that doesn’t work._ _ _ _

____Changkyun hurries downstairs, hand clutched over his heart as if it hurts, which it does. He doesn’t like to see Jaebum upset, but there isn’t much he can do right now. Maybe Hoseok will let him cry it out later._ _ _ _

____He arrives at Hoseok’s apartment complex with a lower mood than he would have liked, but he smiles as he walks towards Hoseok’s door._ _ _ _

____He’s greeted by a disgruntled looking Hyungwon, but he smiles a bit when he sees who it is. “Hoseok is in the kitchen, but if you guys are going to keep me up, I’m going to steal a beer and a chicken leg the moment they cross the threshold.” Changkyun giggles and nods, saying that’s okay and thanks him for not being too grumpy._ _ _ _

____He follows Hyungwon to the kitchen and looks around as the hardwood changes to tile. There’s only a breakfast bar separating the kitchen and the living room area, which has decently sized windows. There’s a door on either side of the living area, probably bedrooms, but Changkyun takes his eyes away to greet Hoseok, who’s leaned over the breakfast bar, phone in hand._ _ _ _

____He talks as he straightens out and grabs a coat, “There’s a place nearby, but they don’t deliver this late, so we’re walking.”_ _ _ _

____Changkyun puts at him, “But I only just got here, at least show me around real quick.”_ _ _ _

____“Don’t be a brat, I’m starving and you wanted to come over this late.” He’s already out the door, but Changkyun knows he isn’t really mad._ _ _ _

____He jogs a bit to catch up with Hoseok. “I hope this place isn’t too far, my feet hurt from walking so much lately.” Hoseok doesn’t respond, but he seemed to be in another place in that moment, so Changkyun decided not to talk anymore. He wasn’t good at conversation anyways._ _ _ _

____They’re at the chicken place fifteen minutes later, but they’re not in for very long. No one else was there, but as they’re leaving again to walk to the convenience store, Hoseok stops and hands the chicken to Changkyun before kneeling in front of them. “What?”_ _ _ _

____“You said your feet hurt, so I’m going to give you a piggyback ride. We can’t have the brat’s feet hurting, now can we?”_ _ _ _

____Changkyun scoffs and starts walking again. “I’m a grown man Hoseok,” but the words hardly leave his mouth before he’s scooped off his feet._ _ _ _

____“I figured piggybacking would be less embarrassing, but you did this to yourself, and it’s _hyung _to you, brat.” Changkyun squirms for a moment, but Hoseok is way stronger, so he gives up after about 30 seconds.___ _ _ _

______Before he’s able to crack a joke, they arrive at the store and he’s set down, but for a split second he thought Hoseok would just carry him in._ _ _ _ _ _

______They’re in and out like the chicken place, but Changkyun sits on the curb and pulls Hoseok down with him while grabbing a beer. Hoseok doesn’t ask, just does the same as he looks at Changkyun._ _ _ _ _ _

______The younger just lets the breeze wash over him as he looks up at the light polluted sky. It’s really a sad scene, but they can’t go out in the country to stargaze right now, so he just looks to the bleak sky and the skyscrapers, which he decides are good enough for now._ _ _ _ _ _

______They don’t talk for a moment, but finally Changkyun speaks up, “I know I keep telling you things about my personal life, but Jaebum visited me just before I left and you want to know what he wanted?” He doesn’t wait for a reply, “He wanted to know why I broke up with him and you know what I did?” This time he looks to Hoseok who nodded to continue, “I just fucking stood there and looked dumb. I know why I did it, but how could I explain it that won’t hurt him even further? It’s not like I want to be like this, but I am and it fucking sucks. I just wish I could ease his pain a little.” A tear slips down his cheek, but he doesn’t bother wiping it, just takes a sip of his beer._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Changkyun, right now you need to figure out how to ease your own pain. Be selfish for once and think about yourself.” Changkyun doesn’t really know how to do that, but he says he’ll think about it. “Okay,” Hoseok stands, “We gotta get back before the chicken gets cold, Hyungwon will kick our asses if it is.” He offers his hand and Changkyun takes it._ _ _ _ _ _

______They chatter as they walk back and Changkyun guesses it’s because Hoseok knows he shouldn’t be left alone with his own thoughts, and he’s grateful. Not many people know him well enough to pick up on small things, although this one might be obvious._ _ _ _ _ _

______Hyungwon is sitting on the couch with a drama playing when they get back and he jumps up, diving for the chicken. “What took you guys so long?” Hoseok shrugs as he sets the beers down on the breakfast bar._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Changkyun here is a slow walker and complained about his feet the whole time.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Hyungwon doesn’t question it, just grabs food and a beer before dashing towards one of the rooms. Hoseok and Changkyun make their way to the couch. They don’t change the channel, but they don’t really watch the TV either. Hoseok started on one of his tangents, which Changkyun was totally okay with. The elder got excited when talking about the things he loves and his eyes sparkle so brilliantly, but when he started on about gender and sexuality, Changkyun interrupted him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What do you know about aromanticism?” Hoseok didn’t look startled and took it in stride._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Being aro means not being able to develop romantic feelings, but still feel sexual attraction, so many, unless they identify as ace and aro, have more than one orientation they use. For example, you can be pansexual, not affected by gender, but still not be able to fall in love with anyone.” He pauses and seems to debate with himself before continuing, “I’m aromatic, but I find men sexually attractive.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Changkyun was taken aback, “I always thought you’d be the romantic type with how passionate you are.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Hoseok laughs and sets his beer down, “I would be, but I found out when I was about 19 that I can’t develop romantic feelings. It wasn’t something I struggled with much, it just clicked one day. I had never had a crush that I thought about romantically, just thought of how good they’d look if they were under me and when I was 19, someone I’m really good friends with confessed to me, which was when I finally realized.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Changkyun nods along, but he’s curious about something, “You said you’re close to this person, present tense, who is it?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Which was when Hyungwon threw his door open, “Hoseok, are you really talking about the time I confessed to you?” Changkyun’s mouth drops and he looks to Hoseok before mouthing “Him?” Hoseok nods solemnly before turning to Hyungwon._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You know, if it wasn’t for everything, I probably would have fallen in love with you right then and there if I hadn’t been already.” He turns back to Changkyun, “You’d never know it, but Hyungwon is a true romantic. Brought me up to our apartment’s rooftop that was decked out with lights and everything.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yeah, and then you broke my heart after staying silent for five minutes straight.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Would you rather have been lied to?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Hyungwon grumbles, “No,” before going back into his room._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited, but by me jdksvh

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/leehoseucc)!


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